I love your writing voice! It flows so nicely and pulls me along on your journey.
You said: "One of the discoveries she makes in reading these, and in experiencing her own silence, is an increased sense of losing the bounds of her identity-that is of losing where her mind and body begins and ends in space. It is like one’s own voice is a reference point to the self as object and as identity; without the voice, and hearing one’s own voice as listener, perhaps we fall into a state of the subjective, with a loss of the sense of also being an object in space. As a non-object to others, to my self."
I find this notion fascinating as I work to understand my strained relationship with my father. For many years we did not speak. Recently, I have found this desire to speak with him to "square away" notions of myself that are connected with him. Oddly enough, after years without desire to speak with him, he has had a tumor removed from his throat and no longer has a voice! This has been such a strange place for me.
In reading this paragraph, I can hope that without his voice, I will be pushed to recognize his subjective self. Without his words and familiar narrative patterns, I will be pushed to see him outside of his role as Object (ie. Father) in my life and possibly discover some subject in there.
Thanks for the thinking space - and for the silence.
Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your story about your dad. I can totally relate to your story, as I also find the aspect of him losing his voice very sad and symbolic as well. I see my own parents aging and am starting to see them in what you call their "subjective" space, rather than as object to me, as you say, as "my" parent. This is hugely liberating, thank you for giving me the language to speak it. (See how liberating speaking can be, when you really mean what you say!!) I recently went through a major transition around my own father, in discovering how I had a subconscious desire to connect to him to feel vindicated and good in my life, to feel worthy. Now, however, I have come to see that I can never truly get that from him because it is something I have to give myself. In doing so, I have had to learn to accept his failings, and this has taught me accept some of my own. Thanks for your words and your voice (and for coaching me on the value of comments) :)
I love your writing voice! It flows so nicely and pulls me along on your journey.
ReplyDeleteYou said:
"One of the discoveries she makes in reading these, and in experiencing her own silence, is an increased sense of losing the bounds of her identity-that is of losing where her mind and body begins and ends in space. It is like one’s own voice is a reference point to the self as object and as identity; without the voice, and hearing one’s own voice as listener, perhaps we fall into a state of the subjective, with a loss of the sense of also being an object in space. As a non-object to others, to my self."
I find this notion fascinating as I work to understand my strained relationship with my father. For many years we did not speak. Recently, I have found this desire to speak with him to "square away" notions of myself that are connected with him. Oddly enough, after years without desire to speak with him, he has had a tumor removed from his throat and no longer has a voice! This has been such a strange place for me.
In reading this paragraph, I can hope that without his voice, I will be pushed to recognize his subjective self. Without his words and familiar narrative patterns, I will be pushed to see him outside of his role as Object (ie. Father) in my life and possibly discover some subject in there.
Thanks for the thinking space - and for the silence.
Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your story about your dad. I can totally relate to your story, as I also find the aspect of him losing his voice very sad and symbolic as well.
DeleteI see my own parents aging and am starting to see them in what you call their "subjective" space, rather than as object to me, as you say, as "my" parent. This is hugely liberating, thank you for giving me the language to speak it. (See how liberating speaking can be, when you really mean what you say!!)
I recently went through a major transition around my own father, in discovering how I had a subconscious desire to connect to him to feel vindicated and good in my life, to feel worthy. Now, however, I have come to see that I can never truly get that from him because it is something I have to give myself. In doing so, I have had to learn to accept his failings, and this has taught me accept some of my own.
Thanks for your words and your voice (and for coaching me on the value of comments) :)